I don’t do it for the fuck of it, or be like anyone else. I don’t do it to feel dissipated, debilitated, or lost. I do it to feel found, to feel whole, to feel merit in my otherwise worthless life. Its what keeps me flying when everything is falling to the ground like damp cloths.

When the world is crumbling around me and my life just seem like a waist. When the deep dark parts of my mind start to devour and digest the bits of me that are bright. When I’m stuck looking back and pretending, thats when it’s there, thats when it walks in the door like a good mate when you really need them. It is why I’m alive and the reason I move forward. It keeps me thinking and planing, dreaming and believing. It’s always ahead of me, never in the past. I can’t look back on it, I can only try to image what is to come and prepare for it the best I can. 

Right now you should think ‘it’ is hope, and thats not wrong. It might be for you, but for me, ‘it’ is two things; heart wrenching love and marijuana. (I hate to say pot but for the overall point I’m making and in keeping truthful, it’s true.) What keeps you going, makes you feel alive, what is your ‘it’?

Please answer, I truly care, and I am interested to know. Thank you for reading.

rioz-islam:

Aww dude this is still one of my favorites. The game so sooo beautiful.

I hate banks, but I finally opened an account so that I could have some sort of savings system where in which it ‘makes’ me put money in my towards savings every pay check. But just my luck, I won’t even be able to put any aside for a month or so anyway because I still need to pay back my tires, get proper caught up on my bills, and get a new PS3 because mine got fucked up. :’( But on a bit of a lighter note my boss LOVES me (ehh….) but that does me that I get to have the hours I want and get off easy. More importantly; I should start training for Cook soon, I think it’s same pay, but WAY WAY less work just more responsibility. So once I get all my dues out of the way so I can start saving I should have enough money coming in so I can pay incoming bills, save a decent amount and still have enough to spend on things I ‘want’ but don’t ‘need’ (like the Trip to FL or a Hammock ex…) Night, take care.

Went better then I thought it would.

I have a bit of a mixed idea about this one. There are three ideas I’m thinking about here; Solo, with a mate, and with a love. On one hand I prefer to be alone, to not be tied to someone at all times or even just tied at all. Being independent is one of a few thing I take a grate deal of pride in. On the other hand I do enjoy the company of others, not on any large scale tho¹. I love when I get to spend time with someone ‘just us’ I find that you really get to learn about the other alot more when there’s not a crowd. More to the point; in terms of living with someone I’ve come to see that I’m not much of a fan of living with a mate (at least not as I do now). It’s just to ‘right there’ there is no relaxing or alone time because you gotta be respectful or the’re just ‘RIGHT FUCKING THERE’. About living with a love, I couldn’t with for anything more, not one thing. Knowing that someone cares about me the same I do for them, along with the need the two share. It is the only thing that has ever made me feel truly needed, or useful. //I gotta get up in about 3½ horus for work… I love that I spend my time typing up frivolous slef banter and not on sleep. ¹- I’m not a big fan of being around a large group of people. If I’m ever forced into a situation where I’m with a lot of people I try to be in the back, or brake off from everone. But when it comes to one on one or just a small handful of people I’m alright.

Last night was pretty much the last night I got to stay up really early for a wile. Starting tomorrow I’ll be getting up at 5 so I can go to work at 7. I’ll be working 4 and 5 day weeks (as I am already) with rarely 2 days off together. My new shift is also twice as long so I’ll be pulling in proper cash finally. HOPEFULLY I can kick in my ‘jewy’ness’ and start saving every fucking penny I can. I’ve got a system in place already that saves a chuck of each pay check and anytime I use my card it puts a few bucks in as well. But I need to not spend any extra cash I have and drop it right into my savings as well. …. I’ve been thinking of sleeping after I get off work and staying up all night and just going to work in the morning. but that will probably make me dead at work so I don’t wana do that.

I’m glad that I am able to do what I need, and be incognito. I’m right here, door open, my old man is even walking past and talking to me. But still here I’m slipping into an overzealous state of relaxation and euphory. What’s wrong with trying to actually feel good for once? To not feel the way we all do because of stress in are lives. Come on now, who doesn’t want to just unbend after a hard day and pacify?